NOELLE PHAM

I had never really had a heart for missions, I believe God was aware of that. When I had gone to KCM’s Kingdom Come gathering, I was struck by something that Pastor Richard said whilst encouraging those in the audience to consider STSM; he said that not everyone is called to missions, but you must discern whether you are called or not. One way to discern is to go on a mission trip and see where God leads from there. This word from Pastor Richard sparked my interest in missions. As I prayed about the decision to apply to STSM, I became more and more anticipatory of how I could possibly experience and know God as, not just the God of OC or America, but the God of all nations. Upon reflection and reading my journal entries, I realized I was quite anxious about my own inabilities and worried that I would not be able to love the people of India as I should. Now that I have been to South India and back, I can say that God worked wonderfully, beautifully, and powerfully through this weakness.

During prep week and intensive, I had begun to pray to God to break my heart for what breaks his. Little did I know that, in order for God to do so, he would have to reveal to me my inability to care for those that are lost in the first place. I remember multiple instances when I would be looking upon the faces of the students at VBS, the patients at the New Ark hospital, or the lepers we were serving and the Spirit would guide me to realize “how vast beyond all measure” God’s love is. It was surreal to even attempt to comprehend truly loving each and every one of them. Not just “liking”, but deeply loving and knowing every single one of them. It brought me such joy to consider that each and every one of these souls are so deeply and perfectly loved by such a perfect God. But not every moment in India was like this. When we were outside of ministry settings (i.e. traveling), I found it quite hard to see the locals or even the culture around me as something to be cherished and loved. I found that I could only regard the adults that I would see with some sort of cautious hostility. There was a necessary amount of caution needed while traveling, for our protection and also the missionaries’ protection, but I felt that I was being cautious to the point of hardening my heart towards the locals. Thankfully, in Varanasi, the Holy Spirit spoke to me through my teammates and His Word. I brought my sin to the Lord in repentance and the Holy Spirit helped me to walk the streets of India with a softened and prayerful heart. Instead of judging the Shiva worshippers as pagans, I would lift them up in prayer as I passed them by. Instead of regarding those bathing in the Ganges as fools, my heart would start to swell with a foreign kind of mourning and I would lift my mourning up to God in hopes that He would rescue their souls. Before the Holy Spirit convicted me of my hardness of heart, the thought of praying for people like this never even crossed my mind. This lack of compassion that God revealed to me was appalling and extremely humbling. Upon further reflection, I can see how God had guided my heart to first break for those I witnessed to in ministry settings, but also those who I would come into subliminal contact with during travel. I can say with all certainty that God had heard and accepted my prayer to break my heart for what breaks his, as I have never truly mourned for the souls of lost image bearers until I went to South India.

Of course, I would not want to end this STSM season only regarding this mission trip as an emotional high. I can see clearly that God’s work in my wretched heart made it easier for me to become a fool for Christ and gave me more of an urgency to obey the commands God would give me throughout both ministry and travel. I was unafraid to go all out during our dances and skits and my all too familiar social anxiety was never present during my testimony sharing times nor during gospel presentations. By God’s grace, I was even able to engage in conversations with locals during travel on a couple spontaneous occasions. Although I still heard some nagging fears in the back of my head, the Holy Spirit guarded me with confidence in my Lord’s Providence and sovereignty; that whatever I do in obedience, God has already set in motion and I am only joining him in his grand redemptive plan. This truth is one that I hope to cling to as I live a missional life back at home. I know that God will continually break my heart for what breaks his, and in doing so, He will create in me a desire and will to obey his call to spread the gospel through my life, my words, and my actions. Whether it be through homeless outreach, discipling girls at my church, or reconciling with a friend, I will depend on God for all the love, compassion, wisdom, and strength I need to proclaim the joy of my salvation to those around me. Although I do not know the fruits of my actions or prayers in India, although I will probably never know what becomes of the souls I witnessed to or prayed for, I find a comforting hope in this following passage that I meditated on during the trip;

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live… I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11-12)