When I first decided to go on missions this year, I didn’t have a clear personal reason behind it. I went to wintercon, Kingdom Come, and Missions Rally Night, hoping for a sense of calling, but that didn’t come. In fact, having just returned from missions in the summer of 2023, I hadn’t planned on going again so soon. When people asked me, “Why are you going on missions?” my mind would go blank. Despite my internal conflict, I believed that God could still use me in His work, and I saw missions as a meaningful way to spend my summer. Even without a strong sense of calling, I knew God had a purpose for me, and I was willing to step into it.

When I committed to going, I hoped that maybe through the preparation, I would find clarity or purpose. As mission training began, I started to feel a sense of excitement. Missions training was not just enjoyable, but it also felt purposeful. I was entrusted with coordinating the dances for our team, a responsibility that allowed me to use the gifts God had given me through previous ministry experiences. Cleaning my team’s VBS dances and praise songs felt like a tangible way to serve. But just one week before prep week, I broke my collarbone, and everything shifted. Suddenly, the very talents I had been excited to use were no longer an option. I felt a deep confusion and bitterness towards God. Why would He allow this to happen right before the trip? It felt as though the gifts He had given me were being taken away, leaving me questioning whether I was even meant to go on missions at all.

At that point, I seriously questioned whether I was meant to go on missions this year. I was leaning 80% toward not going and only 20% toward going. However, after having several conversations with people I trusted, I saw a common thread in what they were saying. Many reminded me that God didn’t need me in Cambodia to accomplish His work. They asked, “Why do you need a personal reason to go? Is not obeying the Great Commission reason enough?” I understood this in my own head, but it was hard to fully embrace it in my heart. Still, their words gave me the push I needed to recommit myself to the mission, trusting that God had a purpose for me even if I couldn’t yet see it.

When I arrived in Cambodia and began the first full week at Tim School, I was surprised to be more involved than I had thought. Even with a broken collarbone, I managed to do VBS without my left arm, run around with the kids and genuinely I enjoyed the experience. But just as I started to feel content with the trip and what I was contributing, I became extremely sick for nearly the entire trip. Some days, I couldn’t even walk due to overwhelming fatigue. All I could do was sit in a chair in the corner of the room or rest on the sidelines, a frustrating, familiar feeling from prep week and intensive week. Again I wrestled with God, demanding answers as to why it seemed like He was continually holding me back—from the dance, the skits, and even from fully being there with my team.

In the final days of the trip, I healed just enough to rejoin my team in the same room, though I could only sit back on that familiar chair in the corner. From that quiet space, where I was still limited in what I could do, I started seeing what I thought of as the “aroma of Christ.” Watching my team interact with the kids filled me with a deep sense of joy and encouragement. I saw the genuine love they had for the kids and the kids’ love in return. Even though I wasn’t directly involved, observing the beauty of God’s work through my team became a blessing in itself.

I wondered what it would have been like to be fully involved, to experience those moments first hand rather than watching from the sidelines. Yet, in that place of quiet observation, I received a blessing from God that I had never experienced before. Instead of bitterness, I found peace in simply witnessing His work unfold around me. Leaving the trip without resentment towards God felt like a gift in itself, and discovering joy in His work, even when I wasn’t at the center of it, was an amazing lesson that I will keep close.

Coming back from this trip, I learned that serving God isn’t always about what I can physically do, but about being present and open to what He wants to show me. I was shown that sometimes being an observer is just as valuable as being in the center of action. Watching my team love on the kids and seeing the joy they brought gave me a new perspective on God’s work-one that doesn’t depend on my abilities or contributions. 

At home, I want to shift my focus from what I can do for God to simply being faithful in the spaces he places me in. Whether that’s in church, in my community, or in my everyday life, I hope to trust that God can use me even in ways that aren’t immediately obvious or grand. I want to be more intentional about finding joy in the work of others, just as I did while watching my team in Cambodia.