Prior to making a commitment to STSM and missions, I can confidently say that I was in a season of wandering. The state of my faith could be described as that of a passive Christian, trapped in a state of lukewarm feelings as I was inconsistent with my devotionals, prayers, and worship during Friday and Sunday church services. However, throughout this trip, I was extremely blessed to be a part of the existing ministries in Cambodia, which was positively influenced by the heart and attitude showcased by the missionaries we met throughout our trip. 

Towards the beginning of the trip, I struggled with the idea of focusing on my obedience to God’s calling rather than focusing on the fruit that was before me. There were many moments where I felt so incapable, and I questioned whether anything I was doing was reaching the kids. I became so discouraged with myself and I found myself relying on my own strength to attempt to please God and to bring these kids to faith on my own doing. However, being a witness to the way Missionary Stanley carried himself brought light to that. During the repetitive daily activities of running a Christian English school or during times of disappointment or discouragement, Missionary Stanley never once questioned God’s provision over himself. His constant dependency and heart of surrender before the Lord gave him constant reassurance and peace of mind knowing that he has a sovereign God behind the scenes who is nurturing all the seeds he is planting. His confidence and genuine faith in the Lord has led to a heart of obedience throughout his life, which has led to observable fruit in both India and Cambodia at his respective plants. His example and humility before the Lord, knowing that he is working and in control of it all, gave me reassurance to trust in the Lord’s provision for both my life and for the people in Cambodia. I also realized how selfish my intentions were, seeking to be a witness to immediate fruit to experience the Lord myself. Missionary Stanley’s perspective rebuked me and allowed me to reorient my heart to one that is God centered in obedience rather than self centered in selfishness.

Despite this, I still struggled at times to focus on my heart of obedience completely and couldn’t help but worry about the fruit. Especially in Cambodia where only 3% of the population is Christian and where there are limited opportunities for these kids to be exposed to the gospel, I felt a heavy weight on my shoulders to reach these kids that much more. I prayed about this struggle constantly and lifted it up to the Lord daily.

One day after a VBS day, a kid that I had grown close to asked if I would come back again next year. I replied saying “I would try in 2 years maybe.” He mentioned how he would be gone by then and how he would leave for high school, where his days would consist of extended studying and no exposure to the gospel. My desire to see this kid come to Christ brought me uneasiness and led me to respond with “promise me you’ll read the bible and pray even after leaving Tim’s school.” He said he would and he asked “will I ever see you again then?” As cliche as it sounds, I responded with “I’ll see you in heaven” and held out my pinky. He wrapped his around mine with a smile. Fast forward 4 days later to our last day at Tim’s school, the kid gave me a hug and put out his pinky to me. In confusion, I did the same waiting for him to bring clarity to the situation. He said “I’ll see you in heaven.” At that moment, my heart swelled and tears came into my eyes. I was overwhelmed with joy, but more so overwhelmed by God speaking through this kid. Through this interaction, a sense of peace overtook my body and the Lord had answered my prayers in that moment, telling me that He was in control and nothing I did would change the trajectory of anything. This moment shifted my perspective and gave me confidence in the Lord’s provision over His people, renewing my trust in the Lord’s sovereignty.

Pure joy. That is how I would simply describe the attitude that the seminarians carried with them each and everyday at ITCS (International Theological Christian Seminary). Everywhere we went, these seminary students were so quick to love on each of the families we passed by in village outreaches, stopping at every door and saying hi to every kid by name. It just seemed so easy and natural for them to be able to pour out love onto their communities. I was so startled and taken aback by it that I asked in my journal, “how can they have so much joy serving the Lord, especially in a broken country like this?” I wrestled with this for the longest of time, completely unsure how these students could always smile cheek to cheek and come with the same positive, joyful attitude everyday. I then came across Romans 5: 3-5 on the trip during personal devotion time and it struck me in that moment. It states, “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” The seminary students exhibited this attitude daily, and it was evident that their circumstances, surroundings, and state of their nation didn’t alter their devotion to following and loving God. If anything, they understood that God was the only thing that could fill their hearts fully, and since the Lord can’t fail us, the students showed nothing less than pure joy. I was encouraged by this attitude and wanted to hold that same joy the students exhibited. My entire life, I had struggled to live in full surrender to the Lord, always seeking joy in the things of this world. At some point in my life, my dependency on these things had failed me and I repeatedly blamed the Lord for the circumstances of my life. However, they showed me what it meant to live in full surrender, and the joy that comes in doing so. Their attitude shifted my perspective from letting my circumstances determine my viewpoint on the Lord to letting my love for the Lord determine how I view the world. On top of that, they showed their desire to share their love for God with others and to have them experience the same love from God that they have all personally experienced. Finding joy in the Lord is the only thing that will sustain and nothing in this world will bring me complete fulfillment. 

As it was my first mission trip, my time in Cambodia was filled with many unexpected blessings in watching these heroes of faith. I come back home with a firm belief in knowing that our Lord is sovereign and evidently in control of all things. There is nothing I can do on my own accord, but only through consistent obedience will I be able to witness how great our Heavenly Father is and what He is doing. Psalm 51:12 which states, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation,” was the verse that came to mind when observing the seminary student’s hearts. Their hearts of full surrender to the Lord brought about a heart of pure joy, knowing that only the Lord can sustain us and fulfill us in a world of brokenness. Only through a genuine love for the Lord will I be able to experience that, and for the first time in a long time I have a renewed sense of curiosity and joy in reading the word and diving into prayer. I’ve seen what a heart grounded in faith can do, and I now long for that same sense of long lasting joy that can only be found in the Lord. Lastly, I come back with a heart of gratitude. I thank God for providing me the privilege to be a witness to his harvest in Cambodia and to be a part of his long term process. I thank God for blessings in good health, education, and even a working toilet. I thank God for surrounding me with a Christian community, where it is easy to worship freely. With a renewed curiosity, a longing to know the Lord deeper, and a rejuvenated heart, I have never seen the Lord clearer and I’m excited to experience Him further as his working vessel.