This summer, I had the privilege of witnessing the beauty of God working in Cambodia. The decision to apply for missions this summer was difficult and was made with a heart of reluctance and doubt. My walk with Jesus at this point dealt with struggling to surrender my emotions, as I constantly led with my heart. While at the surface I could easily be described as bubbly, friendly, and extroverted, in all honesty, I dealt with a lot of anxiety about my relationships, career, graduating, and everything that came with navigating life as a newer believer. These are the reasons why I chose to avoid and push away my earlier convictions of missions at UCLA’s campus MRN (Missions Rally Night) when I heard a testimony about living out a missional life (little did I know this individual would be one of my future teammates) I felt God growing my heart for missions and it was terrifying. As someone who didn’t feel confident in their own faith, what was I supposed to do if people asked me questions about a God I couldn’t bring myself to fully surrender to? A couple of days before the STSM application was due, an older brother figure reached out to me to ask if I was going on missions. With no thought I answered “maybe,” and he continued to explain how his STSM trip went. He also shared with me Matthew 6:25-34 as the verses that ultimately made him decide to #go. While this passage might have applied to his life a little differently, it soon also became my reason to send in my application. As I read the passage that paints God as our provider and protector, tears streamed down my face. I felt God asking me why I couldn’t trust Him and why I felt like I had to deal with all of my worldly issues by myself. He started to lead my heart towards missions again and told me to let go of everything, allowing Him to work through me instead. The next day, I opened up the application and signed up for what I now know would be one of my greatest and most treasured spiritual markers. I went in with a heart of reluctance and a prayer that God would guide my emotions and teach me what it meant to surrender in any capacity. 

Unfortunately, on our second full day in Cambodia, I sprained my ankle while performing a more intense skit called “Everything.” Even though this was a recurring injury in my life, this time was different. I remember crying not because of the pain but because of the frustration of knowing this meant I was going to be limited and lose control over what I was excited to do. This specific skit was something my team and I struggled and worked really hard on to learn and perfect, so I felt like I was letting my team down as well. It was hard knowing that my heart was finally ready to perform it, but my body physically couldn’t. My injury also meant I was forced to take the physical parts of ministry slowly and through this stillness of waiting, my mindset grew negative. Anxious thoughts started to flood in again; I worried that my ankle wasn’t ready yet, that I had forgotten what I was supposed to do in the skit, and that I would hurt myself again. While I started to physically heal, I shared with my team that my injury was something I was struggling with more emotionally and mentally. My team was supportive and agreed to only do the skit when I felt ready but the problem lay in the fact that I was physically ready. I had a sense of guilt knowing my emotions were gaining more and more control over my thoughts, as leading with my heart was what I was struggling with before missions. My desire to have full control over the situation made it hard to release it all to God and I felt it having a growing grasp over me, affecting my attitude during ministry. The internal battle between my eagerness to perform the skit and my self-doubt all came down to the day my team decided we would be performing it for high school students.

While I tried to push my doubts aside, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy about it as soon as we woke up for ministry that day. A couple of minutes before I went on to perform it, I felt tense and worried about my ankle, about the skit, about how the students would see it, and I felt tears starting to form. My teammate, Eunice, came to me and held my hands telling me that I was going to be perfectly okay, because “God had my ankle” and that He was going to protect me. I went onto the stage and closed my eyes in prayer before my cue to start. I remember praying for protection, and that He would release my overwhelming thoughts. Through God’s grace and protection, the skit went perfectly with no injuries, and in the last moments of the skit, I felt so much pure joy knowing that letting go and letting God was the answer to all of my worries and anxieties. The rush of adrenaline in the last few moments is something I will never forget because I know that God truly showed me what goodness comes from surrendering to Him. 

Looking back, the way the skit ends is exactly how I met God during my trip. Jesus protects the girl from the things of this world, and she finds her light in Him. Even now, months after my trip, God continues to remind me how comforting it can be to surrender my thoughts and desires to a Father who loves and protects me.  With that, I hope to walk away with this testimony and remind myself of how much freedom and joy there is in following and trusting Jesus. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33)