When first hearing about the Short-Term Summer Missions program (STSM) KCM offers at a random General Meeting at Biola, I didn't think much of it. I thought it was cool that people had gone to such lengths to serve God, His people, and His Kingdom but I never considered it for myself. I wasn’t scared of the commitment or servitude but at that point in my life, I just couldn’t see myself being used in something as serious as international evangelism. But when WinterCon 2023 rolled around, I had let go of these inhibitions and committed to going on STSM that summer. I’m still not entirely sure where my head was at that night when I decided, but I think that the “thoughtlessness” of it all was an indication that the decision was not made based on my own accord but God’s. And although I questioned and questioned many times since then about whether I was truly being called by God or not, many reminded me that a part of following God’s call is that your faith will be tested and that the choice of stepping further into faith is all on you. You can choose to put aside your fears, desires, and logic and simply submit to how God will guide you along your path or you can go on with your life and be comfortable in your faith but never know what God had planned for you. Now maybe this dilemma only applied to me in the time of doubting but all I knew was that I couldn’t ignore the clearness of God’s direction I saw that night and I needed to have faith. 

Now that I have gone on STSM and I’ve returned home safely, I can say that God made a blessing. I think there was so much to see in seeing the ways Christ has completely captured the hearts of those in places where He is more desperately needed. I didn’t notice it before but looking back it’s so obvious how much these people God has brought up are devoted to living for Him. By the way, they pray, the way they worship, and the way they treat us. Everywhere we went, the people were filled with joy and welcomed us so well. Sometimes I felt bad that we simply didn’t match their kindness but I digress. The more we learned about what life was like in North India, the more we saw the power of God. In Northern India, Hinduism is most prominent as it is largely rural leaving the people more reliant on religion and superstitions. This also means that this area is not very progressive as the people there do not have the convenience of growing out of traditions because at the end of the day, it’s all they really have. But knowing that and getting to meet people who are the first Christians in their families or those raised as Christians is so amazing. I think before I had believed very superficially that God could work in a place like India but seeing it with my own eyes made me realize what a miracle it is.

 Before this trip, I had never really done ministry before: not in my own church or for KCM (yet). So needless to say, I was pretty underqualified for something like this but knowing God had called me anyway made me determined to do things to the best of my ability. At a certain point, however, I think I began to take ownership of my works as an offering before God; like I wanted God to know how much I was trying to please Him. And although I didn’t know it then this was a selfish way to go about ministry and it really forced a performative mindset when going about things like body worship and skits. Although my intentions weren’t bad, they weren’t exactly pure either. By day three of ministry, I realized where my heart was at and I felt distraught. I felt that I had messed up and that I had forsaken the opportunity God gave me with this trip. I had gone through all the training, others sacrificed their money to fund me, and people at home were counting on me (and so was God). I ended up not having the best mood the rest of the day. On top of my sickness and the random bloody noses, I felt that I should just go home even though I knew I couldn’t. But that night, I found myself outside, just staring off into the distance alone. I don’t know if it was out of desperation or emotional turmoil but all I could do in that moment was just sing praises to God. I had felt that in a place like a missions trip where there is literally nothing to distract me from God’s convictions, singing out loud was all I had. Although this wasn’t me trying to distract myself, this was me reconciling with God. God saw the change in my heart and wanted me to know that He had forgiven me, even though I felt I didn’t deserve it. I just kept pouring my heart out to God, even to the point of tears. Real, genuine tears. And not out of self-pity or sorrow but for the first time I was just completely overwhelmed by the love of God. That He had peace that surpassed all understanding, love that was greater than any force in this world, and undeserved grace and mercy that overcomes–and He was willing to give it to me. Although I saw God in many ways in India, I never expected to encounter Him in such a way that would reduce me to an emotional mess–something that I would never have thought I could be.

Having received all God had for me in India, I have a renewed desire to follow Him more in obedience as He guides me through another academic school year. This past year had its own calms and I can foresee this year’s troubles as well. But then, I didn’t have the strength to endure the struggles that come with faith, and although I’m still not entirely strong, I’m willing to try more than ever. I don’t want this feeling to go away as I start to ease back into life in the States, I want to keep on remembering the power and love of God. I’ll keep on trusting God with all I am able and leaning on Him evermore as He moves me into this next chapter of my faith.