Ted Song

For the past four years of college, I was hustling, and hustling, and hustling. I constantly chased after clubs to join, internships to apply, and projects to finish. This life was one where my identity came from my work, where my security came from my abilities, and where my joy came from my achievements. The god of my life was my work, where everything I did was to add another line to my resume. And I was tired.

When I decided to go on missions this summer, waves of insecurity sank my heart. What role will I play on my team? How was I going to be of use on this mission trip? What can I even offer? Every weekly training, I had no answers, but these questions of doubt would just drown my mind. Knowing that at missions I’d be stripped of what had built my identity, security, and joy over these years, I was stranded.

In my weakness, I lifted a prayer, “I’m very insecure and weak. Would you just fill the cracks and the holes in me and make me into a vessel that is of use in some way?”

During the month I was in Nicaragua, God surprised me by equipping me with abilities I never knew I was capable of, providing me with unique opportunities to serve Him, and bringing out skills I never thought I would use on this mission trip.

I never thought I would be using Spanish ever again after high school. I thought I had forgotten everything. But for some reason, everything I had learned started coming back. In Nicaragua, I led English classes in Spanish and comfortably translated conversations between the kids and my team members. Even during my homestay with a church leader, I prayed in Spanish for a meal and for the family before leaving the homestay, something I didn't even do in Korean and didn’t know I was capable of. Through this, I saw that God was graciously equipping me with abilities beyond my imagination.

Along with Spanish, I never would have thought to be touching the violin again after high school. But, in Nicaragua, there was a unique opportunity for me to teach the kids how to play songs on the violin. Even more, I performed “Pomp and Circumstance” at the school graduation and played the violin for praise at a Sunday service. I saw that God was bringing out something that I thought I had left in the past into a unique gift that would be used to serve Him.

Furthermore, I never thought I would use my career skills on this trip. The missionaries needed a pennant design for their school, and as someone pursuing a career in design, I was thrilled at the opportunity to design for the missionaries. Especially when my work and career have been idols in my life, I saw that God was providing me with an opportunity to live out my faith and serve God through my work.

I can only look back on this trip with thankfulness to God. I started out struggling to find my place on the team and worrying about how I would contribute to this mission trip. But, through this trip, God was calling upon skills that I never thought would be used on a mission trip and gifting me not one but multiple opportunities to serve Him with each skill. And it is through His grace and mercy that I was able to be used by Him, to witness how He works, and to recognize that He has a plan that exceeds human expectations.

With each serving opportunity, God filled the gaps of my insecurities with His confidence, covered the holes of my weaknesses with His strength, and renewed my broken heart with His love. And here I am with a heart to seek Him and live a life where my identity is in Him, where my security is in Him, and where my joy is in Him.