My decision to go on missions abroad through KCM STSM this year came down to understanding a simple truth about Christ’s love: it’s unconditional. The concept of missions has always been preached to me as an important function of the Christian faith. The Great Commission is an essential act of obedience towards God, and we must all fulfill it in some capacity. In hearing this time and time again I would always tell myself, “I’ll go on missions when I’m spiritually ready and worthy”. But it was during my time contemplating whether or not to go on STSM that I came to internalize the humbling reality that my striving for worth could never earn my place in God’s crop. How nothing I do will make me deserve this opportunity that he, purely in love and mercy, has imparted on me. And how the only thing the Lord requires of me is obedience and faith. So who was I to refuse and say to God that I would rather sit on the bench? It was this realization of God’s nature that overflowed in me with such warmth and assurance. And so, from the moment I signed up for STSM on that very last day before the late deadline, one thing was clear: for the next four months, the essence of my life wouldn’t be created by myself, but completely through God alone. For the record, this was way easier said than done. We spent almost 3 months from April through late June training for the trip and, then in July, through the support of Tree Church, friends, and family, I had the privilege of traveling to Cambodia for a one month long mission trip which contained numerous moments of blessing and growth.

A huge blessing that God provided me was answering my prayer for him to paint an image of what it meant to live out my faith in a missional manner back home. Before committing to STSM, a lingering question for me was “why go on missions abroad, when there is so much work to be done in the community around me”. It seemed intuitive at first. Why not start with friends and family in my vicinity? In trying to answer this question, I quickly realized that in the comfort and day to day life, it was difficult to view my surroundings as a mission field. Therefore, one of my personal prayers was for God to touch my heart and grow my appreciation for ministry and gain perspective on how to live the missional life back home. My initial expectation was that he would show me this through the faith of the missionaries we would encounter. In reality however, many of the contacts we worked with ended up being local Cambodians who were either leading God-centered organizations or pursuing an education in seminary. So unlike traditional missionaries whose convictions stem from leaving their previous life behind, these local Cambodians were serving God purely out of faith and hope for their own communities. One of my fondest memories early on during the trip was walking down the streets of Phnom Penh with these seminary students as they encouraged families and children to attend their VBS event. In observing the passion and joy of these seminarians, it was clear that they so fervently viewed their home as an endless opportunity to spread the gospel. This was further exemplified by their commitment to traveling hours and hours in order to reach oppressed churches in every village and province they possibly could. Through these figures of faith, the Lord showed me the joy that comes with prioritizing his kingdom over all else, and how this faith and love demonstrated by the Cambodians are qualities that he desires to impart on me as well. 

One of the biggest spiritual trials I faced during my time in Cambodia was wrestling with understanding my purpose for being there in the first place. Initially in my search for meaning, a major outlet for me became the relationships I was building. During our time at a Christian school called TIM School, my team spent the majority of our day teaching and ministering to the same group of kids for two weeks straight. In doing so, it was easy to get caught up in spending intentional time with the children and trying to reach them on a more intimate scale. However, in viewing our ministry in this manner, I was eventually left with the sobering reality that this wasn’t sustainable. Unfortunately, these kids would forget our names in due time and whatever connection that we thought we could build in a couple weeks would most likely not endure. As a whole, this was a byproduct of misplaced reliance on my own strength and an underlying longing to create meaningful difference myself. Through prayer and conversation, I was able to embrace the humble conclusion that my true purpose here was to aid the function of the missionaries and leaders that God had already placed in the field in whatever means possible. In other words, instead of fixating on what I could be doing to make an impact myself, I was meant to shift my gaze toward the plentiful harvest, as highlighted in Matthew 9:38, that already exists in Cambodia through these long term laborers of Christ.

Overall, in my reflection of the last four months, my time with STSM and in Cambodia can be defined by a constant reminder of the limitless nature of God’s providence and will. How in my search for meaning and purpose both on the mission field and in life, I had often attempted to mold and limit God to fit my standards and comprehension, only to realize how pointless and impossible that is. In other words, for the first time in my life, I saw that God was the potter and my existence was a lump of clay in need of shaping and direction. And although it never happened in the ways I expected, God ultimately granted shape and direction, not through my expectations or strengths, but through the weaknesses and brokenness of my character. I had the most blessed time in Cambodia and the joy I experienced there cannot be expressed in words alone. Through this I hoped to share a glimpse of the unexplainable joy I felt and what it meant for me to truly lay down my life for the Lord. Please continue to keep the nation of Cambodia in your prayers.