The conviction to go on STSM overcame me out of nowhere just as the applications had come out. Yet, I was overwhelmed with doubts, felt underqualified, and even regretted talking to past trainees as it revealed my awaiting decision to go. The initial deadline had already passed, and I spent that week in prayer over this decision, which was the most time and heart-consuming process. I submitted my application on the last day of the ultimate deadline and sat in disbelief at what I had just done. But I was relieved and decided to trust God with the rest as I held onto why I chose to go in the first place— to learn to rely on God’s strength better and see how He is working in other countries.

I went into missions with a lot of prayer requests. God was answering every one of those prayer requests throughout the month, but I also came back with the new revelations God had revealed to me. Though I was witnessing first-hand how broken of a country Cambodia is, I was deeply blessed by the cheerfulness of its people. The children greeted us with nothing less than a huge smile and hug every day. I’ve always had a difficult time loving children so I knew I would have a hard time in Cambodia as most of our ministry is with kids and VBS. The love that I was pouring onto the children was less than a fraction of God’s heart for these children, but as the month went on, I found my heart growing for the children immensely. I thought to myself, “God loves these children so much, who am I to not love them?” so God allowed me to see the children with His eyes. 

At the beginning of this trip, I wrestled with pride. I let my pride get in the way of how I danced and how I performed skits. I wasn’t thinking about how powerful skits can be, how these dances and skits can change the heart of the children, rather I was thinking about myself and the way I looked. As I confided in my team about this mid-way through our trip, my team decided to make me perform as the joy robber in one of our skits called “Joy Robber.” I essentially was up there making loud and silly noises, jumping around, and making a fool out of myself. But that’s what I wanted— to be a fool for the Lord. God stripped away my pride so that I could give it my all for Him. Even in these small and silly ways where I had to step out of my comfort zone, it was a joy being able to serve the Lord. 

Throughout this past month, God revealed how broken I was by showing me my lack of love and my pride. God has shown up for me in very tangible ways that felt impossible. Though I initially thought I could handle everything on my own, I was quickly humbled and realized how much I needed to rely on God’s strength. Only when I let go of my selfish desires and submitted fully to God did I begin to see the work He was doing.

Since returning home, I’ve become more aware of just how privileged we are. The people we met in Cambodia find so much joy in God and turn to Him daily, even amidst what we might consider hardships. Being back home, I find myself indulging in the comforts of home and not seeking God as much as I did on the trip. "Being prayerful" was a central theme for our team, and I hope to carry that prayerful mindset forward and remain steadfast in the Lord. I want to become a worthy vessel that God can use here at home!