Sophomore | UCI

Last year, I went on STSM to Nicaragua, had a truly blessed experience, and wrote at the end of my testimony “I am looking forward to seeing if God pushes me to Nicaragua once again.” This summer, God gave me that push. After much prayer, God stirred in my heart a desire to spend my summer on STSM in Nicaragua once again. Although I was sent to the same country, the experience was considerably different. Whereas my first trip was marked by awe of God’s faithfulness, His work in Nicaragua, and the strength that He provides when we rely on Him, this time I learned more about myself, my own tendencies and sins, and how much I fall short of Him.

This realization came about halfway through my trip, at the end of the second week. This second week was when we went to Missionary Kim’s church plant in La Amancia, a rural, mountainous region in the city of Matagalpa. We were to partner with another church from Michigan to do a VBS there; the church would provide materials and direction, and KCM and the jovenes (a group of young natives who were called to serve with us) would provide the manpower. Through this experience, I learned what it meant to submit to the will of God. To be frank, it was difficult to work with this church; I carried many personal judgments and thoughts about how the VBS was being run, about the other church and its people. After the first day of VBS, I was questioning myself, “Why am I even struggling? These are my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, why should they be the reason that I am struggling?” I came to learn that it is God’s will and His alone that matters, that we don’t choose who is in the body of Christ, and that it is simply my pride and selfishness that leads me to judge, to disagree. Who am I to oppose the people God has chosen to do His work? I mustered up the patience to end the week without grumbling. At the end of it all, I saw how I was so quick to judge, I saw a pride in me that I never realized was there, a lack of faith that God can use whoever He would like to do His work. 

With this realization lingering in the back of my mind, my team went on a graduation trip with graduating seniors from the private school that the missionaries ran. Our ministry was relational: get to know the graduates, try to start intentional conversations, and be good role models as older brothers and sisters in Christ. The first day, I was so discouraged by the language barrier, and the dwindling enthusiasm of the students; the bus ride to the place we were staying seemed very long to me. I went to bed tired and doubted if the work being done would actually be used by God. The next morning, I read John 17. In verse 26, Jesus prays, “I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” I immediately realized that I was lacking in love, I was lacking a desire to pour out onto these students in the same way that Jesus poured out His love for me. 

These admonishments about my lack of faith, patience, and love, admonishments about my pride, grumbling, and self-centeredness; weighed heavily on my mind going into the last week of my trip. That week, we stayed for two nights at a church leader’s home to give encouragement and blessings to the families we were with. Two brothers and I were put in the house of Fernando and Marisela, who lived with Eliab, Kathy, Fernanda, and Abraham. We were shown so much hospitality and love, seeing their love for each other and the Lord was so heartwarming and encouraging to us as well. I was talking with Fernando, who serves as a pastor of a church plant and was blessed to hear his testimony about how he came to Christ and came to serve. Despite all that I felt coming into this homestay, the locals had me leaving it feeling very encouraged and loved by God.

Thinking back on this trip, I thank God for inviting me to go. Though my personal struggle with my own brokenness seemed so big while going through it, I found joy in knowing that God was faithful the whole time. Faithful to Nicaragua, to use this team in all of our shortcomings to do great work there, and also to me, to guide me across my brokenness to remind me of the cross. Reminding me that missions is not about me or my struggles, but all about proclaiming what His sacrifice and triumph at the cross means for this world. I pray that I never forget the cross and that my heart for missions only continues to grow. And so it is with great joy that I say for the second time now, “I am looking forward to seeing if God pushes me to Nicaragua once again.”