Junior | UCSD

Before Nicaragua, I was in a car with someone who had just returned from a mission trip. She asked me what I wanted to see God work in our hearts through my time in Nicaragua. I shared with her that something I had been struggling with was seeing people in different nations as part of the same body of Christ that I am a part of. Although my head understood that we are all God’s children, it was difficult for my heart to feel connected to them as brothers and sisters in Christ. I wanted to go on missions to teach my heart that I have brothers and sisters that I am personally connected to through Christ in other nations. 

That same person also told me that on missions, we shouldn’t be afraid to make fools out of ourselves for God. I was very convicted by these words, but never expected the fear of being a fool to be something that would stumble me in Nicaragua. I was convinced that I was ready to give 200% of myself to God so that He could use me in every and any way He meant to. 

However, I had forgotten about my fear of incompetency. This fear grew in Nicaragua because I had no Spanish experience prior to missions, so not being able to speak to or understand the people heavily affected my self-esteem. I grew fearful of speaking to the Nicaraguans because that was where my incompetency was most evident. My lack of heart to talk to the people was a very big obstacle in being able to make relationships and therefore feel connected to the Nicaraguans.

I struggled with this fear up until the last week of our mission trip. Throughout the first three weeks, God continued to give me opportunities to connect with the people. However, my fear of being a fool and my conviction battled internally with every opportunity God presented me with. Even if I took my chances and felt blessed after the experience, the fear would seep in and sit heavily in my heart once again. One instance was when we were able to go on a graduation trip with the seniors at the missionary’s school during the third week of our mission. The graduates were very challenging to spend time with: they were aloof, exclusive, and constantly distracted by their phones. I had been very excited to talk to them and make relationships with them, but all of that built up excitement was quickly extinguished. I grew reluctant to spend time with them and even found myself making excuses to avoid interaction.

After the emotionally exhausting trip, our team returned to our main base and took the time to share about our experiences with the seniors. I was expecting to hear that my team struggled just as much as I had, and even though they did, they also were able to share a lot of blessings that they had received. God showed me through my teammates that where there is effort and a willing heart, He will bring blessings. 

He graciously gave me one last chance to give my full effort to Him by providing us with the opportunity to stay at a church leader’s house. My partner and I were a bit nervous because the leader’s family spoke very limited English, but this time, I didn’t want my fear to stop me from doing God’s work. Once I cleared my heart of my insecurities and decided to give God my all, He began to use my time with the leader’s family to show me what it is like to have a personal connection with the people of Nicaragua. Once we arrived at their home, I learned that the family had fond memories of one of my dear friends who had come to Nicaragua in 2019. At the time, that friend was battling cancer, so I was able to ask for prayer for him. My heart slowly began to open when I saw that we shared a brother in Christ. 

The next day, my partner and I spent the entire day melted into the family’s daily life. The family lives a very humble life because of their financial situation, but God showed us so much love through them that their simple conditions did nothing to take away from the joy that we felt during our time with them. Experiencing their normal day to day routine alongside them felt so intimate. God showed me that our lives are more similar than I had imagined and that we really are not too different. On our second day, we had watched five movies in total by the end of dinner. At first, I was a bit confused as to why we were spending so much time watching movies. I felt that the time was being wasted when we could be sharing conversation and learning more about their lives. During dinner, I asked them if the entire family enjoyed watching movies. They replied that this was their normal routine: once their father came back from work, the family sits down with dinner and watches a movie together every night. God cleared all judgement from my heart in that moment and filled it with gratitude. I was humbled when I realized that the time we had spent watching movies was not wasted at all. The family had been showing us love by including us in an intimate family activity – we had become part of the family. 

God used those couple of days to show me that we are all part of God’s family. I can confidently say that I feel for the people that I met over the past month as my own brothers and sisters in Christ, and my heart extends to my other brothers and sisters that I have yet to meet. Not only has he answered the prayer that I had going into this mission, but He has also taught me how blessing it is when you truly give everything you have to offer to God and He uses you for His kingdom work. The next morning after we returned from the leaders’ houses, our team read through 1 Timothy 6. Verse 12 begins with the command, “Fight the good fight of faith.” It was evident that God had used the past couple of days and this verse to show me that although the life of submitting to your faith may be difficult at times, the fight of faith is good, and the goodness of life with Christ is amplified when you are willing to make the effort to be a vessel that He can work through. I hope to continue to be a fool for Christ for the advancement of God’s kingdom in this mission field called home, for the joy of being a fool for Christ transcends any desire to seem competent in the world’s eyes.