When I reflect upon how STSM has changed me and my relationship with God, it started before even landing in India. My mindset on how to serve the Lord was to serve in the areas and places that I felt the most comfortable in, believing that it would allow me to serve him to the best of my ability. But throughout this entire STSM process, God pushed me towards serving him in the least comfortable ways I could have imagined. In my own plans, I would have strongly preferred to go on STSM in a different year so that I would have less anxieties about my future and more of my friends going with me. Yet this year I just couldn’t ignore an overwhelming feeling that he desired for me to go now. And just when I felt that I had given everything to him, he challenged me even further by placing me in India. India was a place that I had no desire to ever visit, let alone go on missions there, but as training progressed the Lord softened my heart towards India and understood that this is a truly unique opportunity to do ministry in a part of the world I may never have the chance to see again. Because of this, while I still was expecting the trip to be very challenging, I was excited for this opportunity to serve the Lord. 

After only a couple days I began to realize that my own strength and power was not going to be enough to make it through the trip. The VBS ministry we did most days regularly drained me and began to harden my heart towards the people we were serving. I began to struggle to find the energy and determination to give everything I had to serving the kids, and it felt like the more I tried to dig deeper within myself, the less I was able to find any joy in serving the Lord. It was in this struggle that I began to understand what it meant to depend on the Lord for strength. Rather than looking to myself in times I needed strength, I began to offer this to the Lord. Through this, I began to see how the Lord was able to truly provide me with all the strength and power I could ever need. Because the Lord was sustaining me, I was able to find what I truly needed to serve him; the joy and peace that can only come from his everlasting love. 

When I pictured how India itself would challenge me, I expected that it would be through physical obstacles such as the weather or the living conditions, but I ended up struggling the most with its cultural and spiritual obstacles. India and its people are so deeply rooted in Hinduism, that it involves nearly every aspect of society for them. Even in the mountains where we spent the majority of our trip, Hindu altars and idols were littered on the side of streets and houses everywhere we looked. Even at St. Paul School, the christian school we spent the most time at, only a two minute walk outside the gates was a Hindu altar that the local community regularly prayed and worshiped to. This being my first time really being so immersed in a culture that is so devoted to another religion, it was very discouraging for me as I struggled to understand the point of our mission trip. It truly felt like converting any of these people to Christianity was impossible as we are attempting to break down their religious, cultural, and generational devotion to Hinduism in a country that actively persecuted Christians. As I wrestled with this mindset, God revealed to me the understanding that it is in fact impossible for me or anyone else to convert these people by ourselves. Yet christianity continues to spread across India despite all of these incredible difficulties because of the power of God who has done and continues to do the impossible every day. Even as I struggle or fail to see the fruit of my labors, I can have full confidence that my service to him was good not because it produced results for me to see, but because it builds his kingdom up by the work he does through us. 

As we prepared to go home, our team had the opportunity to travel to see parts of India like Agra and Varanasi. It was in these cities that I was humbly reminded by the Lord of the work that is still to be done. Because our trip had been mostly involving the local churches and ministries, it was easy for me to forget what most of India really looks like. The spiritual darkness of the country was very evident in these cities such as Varanasi, and I was reminded that India is still very much a broken country. But before the trip, my thoughts on India’s brokenness were largely related to the cultural and social aspects of India and its people that I often mocked or looked down upon. Now, I understand that in the eyes of the Lord, the only difference between us and the people of India that truly matters is we received the grace of the gospel, while so many there still are in desperate need of Jesus. As I come back home, my heart for not just India, but missions in general has been forever changed. To see and understand the world’s need for Jesus is a call to action that no true christian can ever truly ignore. As I continue to serve his kingdom for the rest of my life, I pray that my time in India will be just the start of a life that continues to desire and live out a life that finds joy in growing his kingdom, both at home and in the nations.