“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” 

Hebrews 4:15-16

To put it simply, through my mission trip to Taiwan, God has revealed to me how much of a broken sinner I truly am, thus churning a deeper admiration for His holiness and sufficient grace. 

Leading up to the trip, I really didn’t have any expectations of what I would take from the mission experience. But rather, I found myself setting expectations on myself to perform my very best. My mentality was that if I were to give it my all in every serving capacity, I would leave Taiwan feeling fulfilled, having accomplished my purpose in the mission field. For example, our first week in Taiwan was spent leading VBS for the children of Friendship Presbyterian Church in Taipei. The night before we began VBS, I remember telling myself how I want to pour my whole heart out to these kids and that my small group would have the best time ever, which in hindsight I should have curbed my enthusiasm.

Yes, scripture tells us that we should strive to perform our best effort. Paul writes in Colossians 3 to “work with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for human masters”, yet my motive to perform was not rooted in the former, but the latter. Every effort that I produced stemmed from wavering questions like “how can I set a good example as a student leader?” or “what can I do to win the approval of the missionaries?” Fear of man became clearly evident in my heart, and it became even clearer when I started to feel disappointed when things didn’t turn out as I expected. My small group kids were disobedient, threw periodic tantrums, and one of them was so honest that he told me he wanted to leave my group for another ... how gut-wrenching. Over time, I became so fatigued from taking care of my group that on the last day of VBS, I remember almost collapsing after giving one kid a piggy-back ride. I felt physically weak and sleep-deprived but the pride in me wanted me to stay and continue, though eventually, my leaders coerced me to head back to the church office and rest. 

Without a doubt, I was disappointed in myself. Sitting alone, I kept asking God why I was even here and why I kept failing to meet my expectations. After some time praying and proceeding moments of solitude, the Lord met me in the stillness of the office space. By having me sit here alone, away from the team and away from the ministry, God was reminding me that I’m frankly not needed; His ministry will continue on with or without me. But more than that, I never once asked Him how He can use me. It was a simple heart check that I was neglecting this whole time. There was no passage of scripture that brought me this revelation; it was simply the Lord meeting me face to face away from the noise and distractions.

Moving forward in the month, we spent one of the last weeks evangelizing to students at National Taiwan University and the surrounding campuses. To be completely honest, this was part of the ministry that personally felt intimidating since I never evangelized to complete strangers before. Our team was tasked to meet as many students as we can, then invite them to a social event called Friendship Night where we present the full gospel to them. Expectedly, the first day was grueling; we faced a festivity of rejections and was exhausted from walking almost ten hours each day. The rejections were discouraging, but in the midst of it and the constant overthinking of who to talk to, I remember the Holy Spirit guiding me to a particular student named William. After just brief introductions, William invited me and my teammate for dinner, which was shocking for us given we weren’t used to the friendly and hospitable culture here. We of course joined him and as we were eating our bowls of ramen, the Lord pressed on my heart to share the gospel to him. Although I can tell he was taken aback from the shift of conversation, I could see the curiosity in his eyes as we shared about Jesus and our testimonies to him. There was a desire for him to know more about who this Jesus was. 

William ended up coming to Friendship Night. Seeing him walk through the church doors was like seeing an old friend after a long time, even though I met him the night before. But there was unexplainable joy that filled me, witnessing how God was moving just the slightest in his heart. For our event, our team shared testimonies and the full gospel message, then I had the privilege of leading worship at the end. Seeing the friends we made throughout the week come and sing songs of praise was honestly one of the most humbling experiences for me. It was truly never about me and what my expectations were; God was teaching me at that moment that He has a greater purpose beyond what I can expect. With William, I have no idea whether he became a Christian that night or whether he is still wrestling with his faith. But I do know that God is working in him and that He used me to plant a seed in his heart. 

As I reflect over my time in Taiwan, from sharing the gospel to university students to dealing with feral children all day, it is clear as day that God was with me throughout this trip. I highlighted Hebrews 4:15-16 at the beginning of my testimony because I think it perfectly encapsulates my mission experience. In times that I fall short and face disappointment, I failed to look to the one High Priest who endured our every battle. Because of what Jesus has done on that cross, I can approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, knowing that He has placed His righteousness in me. It is by grace that I am saved, and it is by grace that He uses me in my brokenness.