“Why did you sign up to go to STSM?” 

In the months leading up to Taiwan, I didn’t exactly know how to answer this question. I thought I didn’t have a concrete answer, I simply just said I felt “convicted” to serve the Lord this summer. But in reality, deep down in my heart, I actually did have a motive. I signed up to go to Taiwan seeking proof. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I was more than the “ordinary Christian.” My time in Taiwan would be tangible evidence that I can use to show others how I sacrificed my summer to go “above and beyond” for the Lord.  

This idea of needing to prove myself to others is actually a recurring theme in my life. I’ve always believed that nothing in this world is truly free, you must earn what you receive. Society asks you “What can you offer me? Prove your worth.” In front of my peers, I was a people pleaser. I was cautious to portray myself as an interesting person, someone who was worth their time and worth hanging out with. On job applications, club interviews, and even at church I found myself trying to prove why I belonged, why I should be accepted. 

This mindset of seeking validation continued in Taiwan. During VBS, In my broken mandarin, I repeated over and over “Jesus loves you” in my broken Mandarin to my VBS student, as proof of my genuine efforts to serve, telling myself, “I did as much as I could.” I made a fool of myself in skits and stretched my social battery to talk to random strangers during outreach, once again to justify my efforts and to show my team that I came on this trip with a purpose. However, the more I tried to prove my efforts in the mission field, the more doubt crept in. I began questioning why I was in Taiwan, even though I was initially so sure of my intentions. When I was able to relax in AC or drink boba I asked myself, “How am I serving the Lord right now? This isn’t the mission experience I was expecting.” Little did I realize, I had set my expectations on a pedestal, far above even God’s expectations. 

During the last week of our ministry, we did university outreach and I told people about the Good News. That Jesus died on the cross for our sins and how we are able to gain salvation, not through works or because we deserved it, but simply by confessing that He is our Lord and savior. As I repeated this in different conversations, it struck me: I was trying to prove my worth to the Lord through my actions. In doing so, I had overlooked one the most fundamental aspects of what it means to be a believer. I thought I knew this from years of church, but God revealed it anew, like cleaning dust off my glasses. God brought me to Taiwan not because he needed my efforts, or for me to prove myself to Him, but because he wanted me to simply be a part of His journey, to experience His unconditional love for me. God reminded me that even though I was a citizen from a different nation, surrounded by people whose language and culture was so different from mine, our citizenship in the Lord remains the same. 

Now coming back from Taiwan, if you were to ask me the same question before I left, “Why did you decide to go to STSM?” I would say, I went not to prove, but to boldly proclaim what already has been proven, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and His love for us stretches far and wide, reaching every corner of the world. 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” - Romans 12:2