Missions had never had a big place in my heart until I experienced the abundant love of God overseas this summer. I thank God for softening my heart according to His own timing as I was moved by testimonies from close friends and stories shared at Kingdom Come during my sophomore year. Though I admired past STSMers for their commitments to dedicate an entire month to sharing Christ with others, I thought surely that wouldn’t be me; I was a sender. However, after attending Kingdom Come, I found the idea of going on missions crossed my mind frequently, and I wondered why I didn’t think that the missions field was for me. With persistent prayer asking God to give me clarity on what His desire was for me this summer and being deeply encouraged by my Wintercon small group members, I signed up for STSM as an act of obedience to God’s conviction that he gently stirred in my heart. 

During my first week in Taiwan, I thoroughly enjoyed coordinating VBS and ministering to the children that attended the program. We performed skits and body worship, made crafts, played games, and even spent time fellowshipping with the children at the zoo, water park, amusement park, and at a makeshift carnival on the last day. This week was probably the most physically tiring, but nonetheless my favorite week of ministry because I found pure joy, purpose and gratification in serving God’s children. Soon after week one however, I found myself feeling tired and burnt out; the joy I felt of loving on the children and receiving love back from them quickly faded away. 

As we entered our second week in Taichung serving the youth at a missionary conference (TMF), I wrestled with negative thoughts and anxieties that came with the discomfort of being pushed spiritually and physically when I was already so tired. I questioned what gift I had that could contribute to the team, or whether I was spiritually qualified for the types of ministry we were doing. At times I felt purposeless and even burdensome to others around me. As a result, I tried to outweigh these feelings of inability to contribute meaningfully by trying to be better at things like praying aloud during pre-church service meetings and attempting to be the perfect small group leader to my TMF kids. 

However, with the discipling of Pastor Peter - my team’s missionary contact - and more time to reflect on my personal faith, God revealed to me that these attempts to compensate for my shortcomings were all part of my sinful nature, thinking I’m strong enough to face difficulty on my own. In one of my morning devotionals, I felt God warmly reminding me that I needed to turn away from my own ability and strength, and turn to Jesus instead. By laying all of my burdens down before God and truly relying on Him who died for me and gave me salvation by grace, I am able to experience freedom from my internal struggles and worries. With this in mind, I entered my third week of ministry doing campus outreach with a mindset ready to grow from whatever experience God had in store for me. Although I was initially nervous about random evangelization, I ended each day of outreach feeling so blessed after getting to know the university students in Taiwan. We shared meals and stories, and even had the opportunity to share the gospel and our testimonies with them.

 Trusting in a God who does not need me, but uses me in my weakness has allowed me to feel more peace and walk more boldly in my faith whether or not I feel qualified for His work. Looking back, God’s plan for me in Taiwan has become clearer that he sent me there to be challenged and made weak so that His kingdom could grow stronger. 

Coming home, I hope to continue seeking intimate encounters with the Lord and serve my community with a joy that reflects Jesus’ love demonstrated on the cross. My experience in Taiwan involved heavy relational ministry, which is very applicable to the missional opportunities I have at home and on campus. I want to live a gospel-centered life by being intentional with my conversations - with friends or strangers - and by choosing to die to myself and live for God each new day.